Black mothers and black daughters...

I feel really compelled to talk about the dynamic between a black mother and a black daughter. I am a little bit nervous considering this would ultimately force me to detail my own experience. I am almost confident I will be getting a few phone calls, snubs and horrible back lash once this gets back to my family. I am tired of doing myself a disservice by allowing a narrative to be played about me without first giving my consent or adding my own dialogue. My truth will be heard. Your truth should be heard. No longer will I allow anyone to silence my horrors just because it frightens them. If people are uncomfortable hearing my truth, they should count themselves lucky because I actually went through it. 3 John 1:4 I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth. WALK IN YOUR TRUTH SO YOU CAN RELEASE.

I have to say it is very heavy on my heart that I do share this as God has already placed it on my heart to share. This is no attempt to slander black mothers as they have already gone through enough. This is an attempt to spread awareness and hold many of the black mother's and daughter's accountable for their hostile relationships...RESPECTFULLY. Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. I first want to say to the black mothers and daughters that absolutely no one but a respected elder should have a say in your relationship! A mother & daughter's relationship should be so sacred that people should be afraid to even think about intervening! Especially a black mother & a black daughter. History alone tarnished the bond between the two and here we go perpetuating the same dynamic expecting different results. It must be addressed.

Often times, black mothers attribute their spicy over the top attitudes to simply "taking no mess" but it is clear their attitudes can down right be deemed hostile & unapproachable. I didn't always feel I could approach my mother coming up. I kept to myself. I didn't trust females at all!

A mother & a daughter's relationship is delicate and very special and essential to the growth of both parties. The mother should learn from the daughter and the daughter should learn from the mother.Titus 2:4-5 19 And so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. I also want to stress the importance of doing something different from what you would have done when you were at war with a loved one let alone your mother. Let's create some steps to help you properly combat the anger without inappropriately dispensing it at inappropriate times.

Steps:

1. Figure out what your triggers are with your mother/daughter

2. Acknowledge when you need to withdraw from the conversation or move away from the situation as raw emotion rises

3. MOST IMPORTANT RULE: KEEP GOD IN THE MIDDLE!

4. Meditate on what afflicted you and how you can strengthen yourself so you won't be vulnerable in that regard anymore

5. HONOR YOUR MOTHER & LOVE YOUR DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. KEEP PEOPLE OUT OF YALL'S BUSINESS

7. HAVE LOVE, PATIENCE & UNDERSTANDING! YALL AIN'T PERFECT!

I had a daughter. Her name was Yasmyn. I named her after me. I was so afraid of having Yasmyn. I wasn't sure if I could give anything to Yasmyn. I worked hard and I allowed the pregnancy to force me to push past my fears so I could make a home for her. So I could live for her. My baby girl died in my arms. She waited for me to get to the hospital and died in my arms. It ripped me apart. I was upset for many reasons. I actually wanted her and she was taken. I set goals and met them for her. Lastly, who told my child to be so strong and endure so much just to spend her last moments with me? What was God trying to tell me? God was trying to show me what a mother & daughter's relationship should be like. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE! The experience was so foreign because I wasn't used to that dynamic with my own mother. In that moment, it was clear to me that my child was my sacrifice. But for what? My child died to give me life to live. In order to live, you must carry out what you're called to do and that is to teach about all that has apprehended you. You must share your experience and be a walking testament to your own deliverance.

Growing up, I couldn't stand older black women. By older, I am talking about any woman that had seniority over me. They always gave me grief. Always shooting down my thoughts,always talking about one another, always sizing other women up to a heavy degree, always diminishing my experiences. Just plain mean. I had no idea that this had a lot to do with the dynamic I had with my own mother. As a child, I thought the world of my mom. As far as I could see, I was getting fed & clothed. I didn't see anything else and that was quite alright with me at the time.

However, my mother was deeply wounded and as a child, the eldest child, I felt a lot of that coming up. My mother didn't have a relationship with her mother and it showed in how she treated me and my siblings. Crazy thing is for a long time, I understood. I knew she was just trying her best and a lot was against her. I had been a witness to a lot of the painful things my mother had endured. I saw family team up on my mom to break her spirit. I have seen people bully my mom, talk bad about my mom, take advantage of my mom and so on. I even saw her change as the tides got higher and higher and I still understood and tried to muster up as much compassion as I could until it seemed as if I was the enemy.

I could never do anything right, nothing good I did was recognized, she would go out of her way to explain to people that I was sneaky and to never be trusted. It was like she hated my guts. She would always have a look of disgust on her face when she looked at me and I tried to tell myself that I hated her back and that I didn't care but I did. She was my mom! By default, she was my first best friend and guide. How could she feel this way about me? We used to spend time and love on one another. What changed?

After a certain amount of time, all of the adoration and respect I had for my mother went completely out of the window and I began to resent her. This is where I stared violating myself and God. People, do not hate your parents! If you find yourself in this boat, refer to this Exodus 20:12 Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you. This scripture is basically saying to do right by your parents to ensure you live a long life. The opposite would mean a short painful life full of strife. Everything went downhill for me when I started to hate my mom. Although my pain was justified, God still instructs us to honor our parents and cast our worries on him. I didn't know any better and began falling due to lack of knowledge. Hosea 4:6 My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge; because you have rejected knowledge, I reject you from being a priest to me. And since you have forgotten the law of your God, I also will forget your children.

She would often say it was due to my smart mouth and behavior that she had to resort to those measures but my mother was constantly being complimented for our manners, academics and overall etiquette as young ladies. We were always getting honor roll as small children and she really had no reason to really be concerned about our conduct until we had gotten much older.

I started going into seclusion. Never wanting to interact with her. If she was coming home at 5, I retreated to my room at 4:30pm. And lord help us if the house wasn't clean. Some days I'd stay up late into the morning ensuring the place was clean and on other days I was too damn depressed and overwhelmed from picking up the slack as the older sibling that I just flat out didn't care. It didn't matter anyways. I was already the "cancer" of the home anyways as she would say. I harbored those feelings for years not realizing that every time I packed away how I felt, my internal closet was getting jam packed and I no longer had room to store the hatred, the animosity, the pain, the hurt etc. It all fell out. It was so much junk in my internal closet due to the dynamic with my mom and my traumatic childhood that I just lost it. I began picking up the same habits that she had that I once frown upon and resented. Hatred always drives you into your own internal hell. Always remember that. Hell is always full of all of the things you resent. This is the main reason God does not want us to hate. The hateful spirit is so sneaky that it excuses your irrational behavior so much until you find yourself in a dark hole running in the same circle you've been running around in for years. Totally confused as to how you got there. If you ever wondered why that is, I can tell you now it is from hate. Hate will put you in the same place you're running from.

I started being explosive like my mother. Slanderous like my mother, mean like my mother, and broken like my mother. If she would praise me for my toxic behavior, I continued and wore it like a badge of honor. I needed her approval and I took it anyway I would get it. I wanted to get her back! What happened?

I kept running into a brick wall until finally, a loved one forced me to unpack some of my feelings and encouraged me to get to "the root". I would often say to myself that I would never be strong enough to vindicate myself against my own mother. She has too many people on her team that thought the world of her. I didn't wanna "expose" my mother. I didn't wanna hurt my mother. I only wanted her to listen. I wanted someone to empathize and listen & understand what was going on.

I wanted people to stop coming into our so called home with their assumptions they've made based on what my mother was telling them and give me a fair chance. I wanted to have my space respected. I wanted them to understand that every friend she's ever had verbally abused me and my siblings. I wanted her to understand that the very friends she confided in had loved ones that sexually abused me. I wanted her to know that if she couldn't honor us, no one in the world would know how to honor us. I wanted her to be a mother and stop being this monster! I knew she could do better. I've seen better from her.

Throughout the years, we have almost gotten into fist fights, we have cursed each other completely out, We have totally defiled our relationship. The main root of it being unhealed traumas and a mean generational curse that is holding on for dear life as we maneuver to try and break it. All of this is still very sensitive and heartbreaking to me. What makes it worse is when family members speak on the dynamic of a mother and daughter only to advocate for the division within the relationship. PEOPLE PLEASE STAY OUT OF MOTHER & DAUGHTER ISSUES! PLEASE ONLY INSERT YOURSELF UNLESS YOU HAVE THE DESIRE TO SEE THE TWO MEND FENCES. THIS IS NOT A GAME. THE DISSENSION OF FAMILY IS NEVER A GAME. IT IS NOT FUNNY. LIFE IS SO SHORT AND YOU NEVER WANT TO WAIT UNTIL A LOVED ONE IS ON THEIR DEATH BED TO EXPLAIN ALL OF THE THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD HAVE SHARED WHILE THEY WERE ALIVE!

Please keep God in the middle. I cannot say my mom and I are 100% but there has been progress. A lot of it will be the individual needing to do their self work before going back into a situation where it was almost impossible to communicate. There are times I do retreat as I have in the past to collect myself after being triggered. If you must retreat, please quietly do so without disrupting your mother's peace or your own peace. While this is dedicated to mother's and daughters, I hope men can apply this to their dynamic with their father's as well and try to safely & peacefully mend their fences.

In the name of Jesus!

Here are more articles on the dynamic with mother's daughters:

http://pridenews.ca/2018/11/20/black-mothers-grandmothers-destroy-daughters/

https://madamenoire.com/1026019/the-strained-relationship-between-black-mothers-and-their-daughters/

And of course, here are some helpful & useful scriptures pertaining to this dynamic:

Proverbs 15:1

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Matthew 23:3

So practice and observe whatever they tell you—but not what they do. For they preach, but do not practice.

Psalm 27:10

For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in.

Titus 3:2

To speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people.

Psalm 55:22

Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.

Exodus 20:12

“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.

Please check out this Demi Lovato song. It is so fitting to how I feel at times with my mother. The name of the song is Anyone: