What Bipolar Disorder has been like for me Part II

God just told me to share a greater view of what Bipolar Disorder has been like for me. To sum it up, it's been HELL. Constant mind racing thoughts, always in fear someone is out to hurt you, God awful rants, living in your head so much your headaches feel like head pounds etc.Through the years, coping with it has been impossible until I gave it to God. I have tried every remedy and many medications to repress the illness. I have failed miserably trying to battle it without God. Through my first mixed episode, I remember ignoring God's request because I didn't want to do anything but self loathe. I was so caught in the storm that I didn't feel like working to unpack it. Depression laid me down literally. It was the reason for the decline in my academic career. The reason I wen

I poisoned a lot of people and situations by bringing my conflicted energy around not realizing energy is totally transferable. Every year from the age 11 & up, I had extreme manic episodes that would consist of going on medications and not taking medication. Being explosive and ripping everyone apart and then withdrawing and finding solace in my room, wig off, no bath what so ever and just basking in my depression.

I put holy oil in the threshold of my bedroom. I put holy oil on my door. I brought lavender , I went to my doctor and told her my symptoms, I did everything but deal with my crap. It would later haunt me when opportunity after opportunity was either delayed or missed due to my conflicted ways.

The ultimate peak in my depression was the lost of my daughter. She was 9 days old and had an illness that was terminal. When she died in my hands, I quickly compartmentalized the feelings and from there, I became stone. I was indulging in risky behaviors (drinking, not wanting to work, bathe, take my medications or eat). Every time I turned around I was hit with several different wave of emotions and it wouldn't even be 9:00 am. I thought I was just dramatic. I was experiencing intense depressive episodes and didn't know how to get out. The self sabotaging began. I needed to either be drunk or high to function. I preferred to be high. It was my little secret and a way to throw people off from the fact that I was sick.

2 weeks before my 24th birthday, God asked me" When would I deal with my problems". I heard it clear as day. I told him "later" and proceeded to make an attempt to find some wine. On the morning of my 24th birthday, I woke up and I got smacked with the meanest depressive episode. I mean I was mad as hell to be awake. Heated almost. All I could think about was how alone I felt. Empty even. My mind drifted to my daughter, I quickly changed the channel in my brain to avoid even thinking about how my heart ached for my baby. I needed a drink or needed to get high.

Mind you, it was 12:00 pm. I was already scheming to take off work the next day. I just wanted to be alone...and in the dark. So I am not a smoker but wanted to get high but again smoking is not my thing so I went on a quest for an "Edible". I couldn't find it and didn't trust a random person so I asked a friend of friend. Got it for pretty cheap and planned to end my birthday right.

I got home, laid down and ate the entire bar. I learned recently that the bar had 500 mg THC and I could have burst my heart. Not even 5 minutes in, I am upset because it wasn't doing anything. A second later, I blacked out. Checked in for 2 seconds and blacked out again. I struggled to lock myself in the bathroom. I pulled my now numb body into the bathroom to avoid what was happening. I was losing sense of my common sense and I was scared that all of the repressed feelings would cause me to lash out and hurt someone. Once I got in the bathroom, all I could hear were my loud thoughts the very loud manic depressive thoughts.

The suicidal thoughts, the anger, the hatred, the resentment. I was alone in the bathroom with the real Jasmyn and I was scared of that witch. She was aggressive, she was angry, she was violent, she was miserable, she was frantic, she was talented, I broke out in song and then lost my note and became enraged. It was a manic episode on steroids. I ripped my toilet from the ground and I ran the tub water to drown myself. I ripped the shower rod and tore the bathroom up. So much rage gave me super strength. The whole time I am thinking to myself please someone save me. I was praying someone would help me because I couldn't control it. It became clear to me the reasons why my periods of depression would be so intense is because it was more than what it seemed. I had full blown Bipolar Disorder.

Now me all know weed is more on the milder spectrum of recreational drugs. It only highlighted who I really was and what I was really battling. I was hospitalized for 2 days and when I woke up, it was November 16th. Went in on my birthday November 14th and woke up on the 16th. I was in psych. I was totally out of it when I came to. Everyone around me was well...not wrapped tight but neither was I. The psychiatrist immediately came to me and explained how I would only be released if I agreed to be on medications. I was assigned Depakote & Seroquel. I know use several other medications to combat the disorder but it has still been a rather intense journey. I am completely sober. I do not drink liquor at all and I am hoping to encourage anyone that may think they have bipolar disorder to seek help.