So, if you don't know, I have Bipolar Disorder I. Bipolar disorder (formerly called manic-depressive illness or manic depression) is a mental disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, concentration, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. As I write this, I have gone through several mood shifts and it is not even 12:00 pm. Every frequent mood shift cripples your ability to commit to anything. Then as if the morning wasn't hectic enough, you get a surge of energy out of nowhere and turn into this die hard creative individual that must birth 50 projects before 5 pm. Once you've exceeded your quota of "66" projects by "4pm", you crash. It's worse than a hangover. You are back at square one in fear of what the night will hold as you know the cycle will continue.
Before you challenge that everyone "goes through this" and that it is completely normal, Think of a fast paced roller coaster, imagine not being a thrill seeker and boarding this intense roller coaster that is new to you, not sturdy, rocky and with no clear direction. You don't know if the ride is gonna drop suddenly, you don't know if you'll actually enjoy it beyond measure, you don't even know if you will be safely supported by your seat belt. You just know the ride is unpredictable and the lack of security in knowing if you will actually be okay brings on a panic intense enough to cause you to meltdown.
and rightfully so! You don't know what's going on with you. You can't put it in words. Every suspects you're okay because no one can see the internal illness. They only see your shifty attitude. They only see your ability to knock things out at a rapid pace and your intense desire for cleaning.
Now that you've channeled this experience, Can you honestly say this is a feeling you battle everyday? Your worst day doesn't hold a candle to a manic depressive individual. When I think back to how long I have actually had it, I would say as long as I could remember. I know it is trendy to coin yourself bipolar because you jump from mood to mood but trust me when I tell you, not being able to mentally or emotionally predict your own self for the day is exhausting & scary. I have cursed out friends, family and supervisors with no hesitation all under the belief they were against me and on a mission to silence my greatness because they couldn't handle it. I was extremely grandiose.
Grandiosity /ˌɡrandēˈäsədē/Learn to the quality of being impressive and imposing in appearance or style, especially preteniously so."it had a grandiosity of scale and opulence that set it apart from neighboring cities"pompous superiority or pretentiouness.
"He was self-absorbed and prone to grandiosity"
I was diagnosed in November 2016 on my 22nd birthday. I really didn't believe anything was truly wrong. I do own that I had major depressive episodes that would span for months. I would just lay in the bed and disregard every day commitments that were detrimental to my livelihood. The agony of awaking is out of this world. It's one thing to dread mornings because it's early and you're not a morning person. But for a person with Bipolar Disorder, mornings are a reminder that we are expected to be productive and we don't always have the mental bandwidth to commit to that. This is why we don't eat, we don't bathe, we are on defense, we don't want to talk & we isolate. We don't want to do anything that requires us to deal with our issues. Our deep rooted traumatic issues. Things you can't see and things we suppress so much we forget to see.
Most of us have childhood trauma we have never tapped into thus sending us into a spiral of mixed emotions (Mixed episodes). A mixed episode is not a disorder itself, but rather is a description of a component of a specific type of bipolar disorder. A mixed episode is defined by meeting the diagnostic criteria for both a manic episode as well as a major depressive episode nearly every day for at least a full week. I must stress that this is not to be confused with a "bad week". This is an internal war that cripples you even utilizing the bathroom at times. The past traumas of your life that you've never taken the time to unpack linger in your mind and hinder you from supporting yourself as individual. You're imprisoned by everything that has plagued you that you refuse to deal with & cope. You lack the ability to see the world as it is. You are restricted in your ways of thinking. Unfortunately, many of us aren't as successful because of this.
I have very rapid speech and I am known to be extremely dramatic. I did sometimes have extreme outbursts and would sometimes concoct extreme dellusions about almost anybody or anything and would totally withdraw. While I may have felt that in the moment, I can say looking back, those response to the world were based on past experiences and the current state of where my mind was. Inappropriate behavior. I couldn't go to school. I refused to go to social gatherings. I wouldn't bathe for days and I would eat very little and binge on the days my moods were elevated. Bipolar robbed me of consistency. I had given up on myself.
I really thought I was just sad and very "passionate" about what I believed in and I really thought everyone was the enemy and I was on a world wide mission to "rise of above the degenerates" around me. Again, I would concoct some serious stuff. What was frightening more than anything is that almost no one knew there was actually something going on without me. I don't note that information for sympathy. I note it for awareness sake. No one is ever that passionate and explosive everyday. We have to be more aware about the many mood shifts in our loved ones.
People with Bipolar Disorder may experience:
Mood: mood swings, sadness, elevated mood, anger, anxiety, apathy, apprehension, euphoria, general discontent, guilt, hopelessness, loss of interest, or loss of interest or pleasure in activities
Behavioral: irritability, risk taking behaviors, disorganized behavior, aggression, agitation, crying, excess desire for sex, hyperactivity, impulsivity, restlessness, or self-harm
Cognitive: unwanted thoughts, delusion, lack of concentration, racing thoughts, slowness in activity, or false belief of superiority
Psychological: depression, manic episode, agitated depression, or paranoia
Weight: weight gain or weight loss
Sleep: difficulty falling asleep or excess sleepiness
Also common: fatigue or rapid and frenzied speaking
I encourage all to pay attention to their loved ones. Suicide rate for people with Bipolar Disorder are approximately 15 percent. Between 25 and 50 percent attempt suicide at least once. The highs (increased energy, rapid speech, constant need to create & take on more than you can bear, extreme ranting) & lows (depression, withdrawing, emotionless, lack of empathy, isolation, panic attacks and crying spells) that frequently plague a person with Bipolar Disorder push them to the point of no return.
I want to also encourage all to definitely doctor shop for a therapist in your area to help unpack some of the mental trauma that may be too much for you to tap into alone. I wish I had known when I started going to therapy that I had the option of picking a team of doctors that were better suited for me rather than dealing with just anyone. You have the right to be in control of your healing process and I dare you to do any & everything to empower yourself. If that means finding a better job with a low stress environment, leaving toxic relationships and simply wanting to quiet the loudness of Bipolar Disorder. These things can all be triggers and heighten the symptoms of the disorder.
My personal triggers are high stress environments, persons of a bullying nature, and too much noise. The triggers are reminders of anything that may have afflicted you.
I will more than likely do a part II on this as it is a lot to break down.
Scripture because of course, God knows all & must be completed in all things:
Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
2 Timothy 1:7
For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
John 16:33
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
1 Peter 5:7
Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.
Psalm 46:10
“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”
Jeremiah 17:9
The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?
James 4:7
Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
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