As you all may know, I lost my daughter Yasmyn due to Trisomy 18 complications. As July 13th approaches, I am full of nerves, anxiety & anger. It would have been my daughter's 2nd birthday. I should be planning a mini toddler spa gathering for her and her toddler friends but instead, I am left with memories.
Moments leading to July 13th are filled with triggers as every little thing reminds me of how I planned to make Yasmyn comfortable and it is obvious I was not able to carry out those plans. I wanted to love on her and break those generational curses in my family. I wanted to support my child. Build her up to walk in confidence & grace. I wanted that relationship more than anything in this world. I just wanted to love her. God had bigger plans for her & I. I believe that.
There is a scripture in the bible that says "We know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose". That is Romans 8:28. I am left to believe that while I may have wanted my baby here with me, she had bigger plans to fulfill and so would I. Her death was my rebirth.
Many may wonder who would salute anyone or anything after a child dying. I even wondered how would this affect my relationship with the Most High and those around me. I literally held my daughter as she painfully transitioned into the afterlife. Even though that was probably the most painful thing I've ever experienced, I still chose to go on in life & believe. I had a sudden burst of energy to plant seeds and keep going. I've always had ambition but with her death, I began creating projects in her name. But why? Could it be her sole purpose was to remind me of who I was & what I had & what's to come?
My whole life, I was told how special I was. How smart I was but no one ever told me, That with those gifts, if given in the wrong hands, they can become stolen. I was very irresponsible with my gifts. I made room for people who did not fit in my life and suffered the consequences of not falling into alignment with what God wanted for me. So it was apparent I was creative & had a lot to offer. I made the mistake of sharing those God given gifts with people who were not supposed to benefit from my talents. Therefore, I became lost & forgot my power as many of us do when we operate in the wordly realm and not in the spiritual realm.
I had gotten so lost in disobedience that I lost my sense of direction and began consulting & seeking the approval of others. Which isn't a bad thing but can be if they don't mean you well. I was so irresponsible with my gifts, that I "allowed" people that did not care or love me to infect me with their negativity & doubt. I became lost. I became zombie like. Going to work, coming home, neglecting myself, neglecting that quality time with family & chasing money when I knew better. I did this all while pregnant with my daughter. Who I thought was fine. How could she be fine when her mommy isn't fine?
Days before she was born, I had a vision she was connected to tubes. I can hear God saying he would use my daughter. I am thinking myself..."Oooooooookay". God is God. He's uses people to teach. I didn't know to what capacity he planned on using her for. But now I see. Nothing is on accident. The sense of urgency I felt to name her "Yasmyn Journey" was so heavy on me that I am convinced that "Yasmyn's Journey" here on earth was to remind me of who I was and who God was. I believe Yasmyn represented the essence of God. Something birthed out of nowhere but with plans to restore. With plans to grab someone's attention to redirect their focus. I hadn't been paying attention for some time. The only thing that could grab my attention, was my a child of mine. God knew, I wanted a little girl. Who was better to use than Yasmyn? I was so in love with my daughter.
I wanted to build with Yasmyn what I never had with my mom. Yasmyn in my head, was the key to bonding my family but Yasmyn actually exposed who was and who was not family so in essence, She did bond me with my family. She bonded me with people who were supposed to be around me by serving as a vessel exposing who was & was not accepting of the circumstances surrounding her illness. I had learned through my daughter, The very people I wanted approval from, never approved of me. But God always approved of me. That's why I am here. People didn't approve of my baby but God saw fit she visit just to teach.
I can do nothing without God. To grab my attention, God showed me what life is like without faith, ground & direction. Without that, life is nothing. I had no choice but to believe in something when you see your beautiful angel struggle to eat & breathe. My child exuded more strength to go on than I ever could at that time with less than what I had. So what was my excuse for not believing and doing what I was called to do? Where were those people that I had made "My God" by consulting with them and overlooking what I knew in my heart to be true about my direction? Where were those people that told me what I was and what I was not? They were not there. God was.
It was revealed to me that Yasmyn would be here for a short time to explain to me that enjoying life and getting the best out of it is a REQUIREMENT. Developing ministries to liberate someone that may be battling something familiar is a REQUIREMENT. Bonding with your loved ones is a REQUIREMENT. And most importantly, Giving in to the heavenly father is a REQUIREMENT. I am not trying to force God on anyone but if I held my child as she went cold and still trusted what God was doing, I hope that speaks enough VOLUME for you all. I knew in my heart this was his plan coming back full circle. God said he would use my daughter to show me who I was and what my job on earth was.
If anything, I felt an even stronger force within to keep going when she passed. I think my daughter had to go to give me life. I did not have life at that time. I may have been walking & talking like a living being but I was dead inside. I had become so numb to dysfunction & trauma that I had literally forgot what it was like to live & feel. I am slowly getting back to my happy, bubbly creative & ambitious self. I now understand the responsibility we have to govern ourselves accordingly in this world if we are going to have an impact on anyone's life. I wanted to share that as I know it is important to honor my daughter and not be filled with so much resentment as I know she is fine and she has served her purpose. I still miss & love her very much. I hope someone is able to receive this.
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